fuck fuck fuckkkk

time time time

   time flies....

good news. i finally lost a decent amount of weight. i am now 132. the lowest weight i have been since 2004!

in march...after returning home from my Colorado vist, i was prob up  to 165 :(! then something just clicked and i started going to the gym with my friends christine and teenie HARDCORE like hours a day and would honestly go days without eating. i got to the point where i couldn't even remember the last time i ate. i survived off of basically coffee and if i ate it would be plain tuna with lemon, grapefruit, 90 cal bars, or a low cal lean cuisine if i was starving/ being a weak bitch.

so from march till about may i lost about 33 pounds. YAYYYY. i couldnt be happier about my loss. i went from a size 12 pants to a 5 and trust me it felt so fucking good to have people notice. it feels good to finally be the size i was for most of my life! i really didnt get fat til 2005 so after three years of fatness i finally got my act together.

BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTt

lately i havent been working out as hard and i havent been restricting consistently enough to lose any more weight. since june i havent lost anything....and sometimes especially now i go on binges and can actually binge so bad i gain weight for a couple days. it sucks....i don't want this cycle to start again....i want to keep losing...and losing and losing.

soooooo my new goal is to weigh 110. i want to get to the weight ASAP therefore NO EATING....i know i can do it....i just have to be strong and not give into the temptations EVERYWHERE....my friends and sister now being home are a big factor in my weight not going down  and i am weak idiot for letting myself go.

well im postive today is a good day to start another adventure into feeling GOOODDDDDDDD. it feels so to starve...i feel so happy and in control. ugh cant wait till i feel that again.

intake: coffee

outake: gym in a little bit....maybe a 3 mile run around my town....(new goal is to also train for a triathalon.... good incentive to get my ass in gear)!!!!!

okay here is some pics of my progress...this was spring of 06 i was around 189! i am in the purple EWWWW so depressed and fat

me ( in the glasses) fall of 06'....around 168 here...

me in spring of 07' around 155 here...i gained and lost weight from spring of 07' til march of 08' ....i would go from 152-168...never consistent SO ANNOYING

this is me NOW!!!!

i wanna be skinnier! i got a job as a promotional model haha gay for miller and coors. i have to wear little outfits. I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT!!!!!! NOWWWWW

im back again ahhh

wow...already four months have gone by since my last entry...wtf!!! i don't even know where the days go. well here goes another BIG update!

1. okay things with my ex are pretty much the same. im 99% sure he hasnt even dated anyone since we broke up in june and i havent either. im also 99% sure hes hooked up with lots of people and am 192092903% sure i have. haha. whatever. BUT. we still hook up occasionally. i cant help it. i know its so bad. but its almost like we just use eachother. when he was home for x mas break we hung out a lot and it made me miss more but now hes back at school and out of sight out mind is kinda happening again. BLAH. annoyinggggg. i still have feelings for him and would prob DIE if he started dating someone else :(

2. my weight. ugh uhg ughughughg YUCK. i was all the way up to 167 at the begining of jan and have since gotten down to 159 for the past two weeks. its always the same BS with me. i restrict and lose then go two weeks of eating shit and gain it all back. i suck honestly. i cant get past 155. i still do work out about 5 days a week. and have recently stopped eating meat and TRY not to eat dairy.  i love animals too much. need to be consistant PLEASEE U FAT IDIOTTTT

3. my friend christine the HOT one i always talk about is now a dancer ( not a stripper lol) at the dance club/bar MUR MUR in atlantic city which is literally 20 min away from my house. she makes 600 dollars every two weeks and only has to dance for 2 hours a  night 2x a week. WAHHH. if only i was skinny and hot i could be working with her ( they always need girls) my other friend teenie is trying out friday for it. i am so broke. having that job would seriously change my life. IF ONLY I COULD NOT FUCKING STUFF MY FACE AND GET SKINNY AGAINNNNNN!

4. school sucks BAD this semester. by far my hardest semester at college. so many papers so much reading. :( fucking hate school.

5. i am visiting my sis in Colorado on the 19th and am super excited. it is soooo pretty there and i cant wait to see my sis too <3.

6. did i mention i am fat?

7. boys boys boys....lots of randoms. havent met a guy yet that i would want to seriously date. just hook up with haha.  i compare everyone to my ex. it sucks. i did just meet someone two nights ago that is hmmm a possibility but idk. my friends say i have no game because i DONT play games with guys ( meaning i wont lead them on and text them and flirt with them just to make them want me WHICHHH is what my friends do all the time). idk i have never been like that. i just like nice hot boys. hahaha no games please.

OKAY now i honestly SWEAR i will update this as much as i can. i wanna be skinny. i wanna make A LOT OF MONEY and get that job dancing. and i wanna be hot for summer!!!!!

out to ac w/ jess cc and me.

b day party for my friend ronnie.

my bff cc's 21st is the 15th and i wana look SUPER HOT. i wannt be 149. is that possible? i shall seeee.

 wow. UPDATE haha. i have been super busy and so many things have changed. BESIDES my weight unfortch.

here is what is new:

1. yeah me and my b/f broke up and it was THE WORST thing ever. i still am sad. and miss him. he is away and school. i havent seen him in a month. and we are talking on the phone less and less. its really hard....esp with facebook and seeing what girls write to him and pictures hes in. URGHGH. no lie going through a break up does get easier as time passes...it has been almost four months....but it never stops being hard.

2. this summer was shitty and fun....for one because me and my boy broke up and we have the same friends so it was akward but whatever....i still had a gnarly summer. i went to california and las vegas in august to visit my friend cc who was interning in LA. LA was SICKKKK and vegas was fucking insane. i kissed a boy there too. IT IS SOOO WEIRD BEING SINGLE. do you know i have had a boyfriend for six years striaght up until now!

3. soo yeah summer was fun....i had a few other random hookups and still have a crush on a boy who goes to my school....but im not sure if he likes me...well see. my sister moved to fucking colorado!!! sooo im sad and miss her but she really loves it out there. uhhh what else. IDKKKK

i started school in sept. its going okay. my friend christine has two classes with me which is fun. i have been hanging around a bunch of new people since now i can do whatever the fuck i want.hahaha and have had a blast with them (one of them is my crush )

NOW ONTO BUSINESS

the past couple months have been rough. lots of changes in my life....so my weight kinda has been going up and down throughout my roller coaster of a life. i am now like 162 so i gained but this past week i have been eating like a cow so hopefully that is why im so heavy. i have gone weeks with restricting then binge and gain it all back. i am never consistant. ANNOYING. i have not been working out consistantly BOOO. but being single now makes me realize how uncomfortable i am with my body.

my friend christine has been going to the gym and eating right consistantly for like 6 months now and she looks AMAZING. she always had a nice body but now she is crazy hot. she got a trainer at the gym too so she knows all this good shit and TOMORROW ( which is what prompted me to start writing in this again) she is going to "train me" haha. I AM EXCITED. i need to get back into shape so i can meet some HOTTIES!!!! haha. my boy has seriously NEVER LOOKED BETTER. now i want revenge. the last time i was single (UMM LIKE FOREVER AGO unless you count the month between my first ex and my new one during my senior year) i was 130 and wore a size 5 and was sooo confident. I WANT THAT BACK

SOOOOO im back now! i will be updating this with my intakes and outakes and whatever else i feel like saying. does anyone i talked to still go on here? if so comment me!! i miss all your guys support and i think that is one of the main reasons why i havent lost these past couple months. 

LOVE YOU ALL!!!

at a concert this summer. christine. me. cc.

my friend staci and me in the summer.

my boyfriend and i broke up last night.

words cant describe how horrible i feel. he basically broke up with me. it was so out of the blue.

i cant eat...can't sleep...cant function...

crying as i type this.